This is a post by Dorcy Pruter to the Facebook group, the Alliance to Solve Parental Alienation. It is so incredibly rich in wisdom that I want to emphasize her insights and counsel.
A preface; there are a set of brain cells called mirror neurons. I recommend everyone watch this short PBS show on Mirror Neurons:
The mirror neuron network is designed to read the intention of other people; what is motivating the other person. One of the leading researchers in this domain is Daniel Stern:
From Stern: “Our nervous systems are constructed to be captured by the nervous systems of others. Our intentions are modified or born in a shifting dialogue with the felt intentions of others. Our feelings are shaped by the intentions, thoughts, and feelings of others. And our thoughts are cocreated in dialogue, even when it is only with ourselves. In short, our mental life is cocreated.” (Stern, 2004, p. 76)
From Stern: “The discovery of mirror neurons has been crucial. Mirror neurons provide possible neurobiological mechanisms for understanding the following phenomena: reading other people’s states of mind, especially intentions; resonating with another’s emotion; experiencing what someone else is experiencing; and capturing an observed action so that one can imitate it — in short, empathizing with another and establishing intersubjective contact.” (Stern, 2004; p. 78)
From Stern: “The perception of an attributable intention seems to have its own brain localization — a sort of intention-detecting center (Blakemore & Decety, 2001). For example, the intention-detector brain center is activated if the action, in its context, seems to have an intention. If the exact same movement is seen, in a different context where no intention can be attributed, the brain center will not activate.” (Stern, 2004; p. 80).
In my clinical psychology work with children and families, I typically describe to parents that the child’s brain is reading the parent’s intention, not just the parent’s behavior. The most important thing about parenting is NOT what we do, it is the intention that is motivating our actions. I then work with parents on developing and organizing their underlying intentions from which their actions flow.
This is Dorcy’s wisdom. Targeted parents – and everyone – would be well served by a commitment to understanding Dorcy’s wisdom and counsel:
From Dorcy Pruter:
In some situations the supposedly targeted parent is the pathogenic parent.
Some cases we work on at the Conscious Co-Parenting Institute both parents are pathogenic. Those are the most difficult cases.
Kids love both of their parents and we have an obligation as a society and as humanity to stop judging, labeling and blaming and seek to educate and empower children with the skills they need to be in a healthy relationship with both parents.
When a child is being abused we must first protect the child, we then recover and restore the child to their authentic self, we then recover the pathogenic parents (adult abused children) to their authentic selves.
We don’t throw the parents out. We give them the support and teach them the skills they need to be better parents.
Empathy and compassion is unconditional love in action.
I encourage all parents to take a deep dive into their subconscious mind and discover why they are choosing the experiencing they have chosen as parents unconsciously. The solution to restoring relationships and really creating healthier relationships starts with you always. It is so easy to blame the other, focus on their pathology and faults, however this does not advance your family forward.
You take you wherever you go. It is not about blame it is about 100% responsibility 100% of the time. It is from this empowered place that you can recover your children and the special bond you have with them. Pathogenic parent or not.
Children love their parents, even their pathogenic parents. Once the bond is formed it is never broken. My mother is extremely pathogenic and yet I still love her and have always loved her. I have extreme compassion and empathy for her. I can see her unhealed child and she suffers. Instead of hating her, I love her. This is the same for all humans. Our ability to love unconditionally is how we come into the world. Most have forgotten because of the conditioning that starts early on because our parents are unconscious.
We don’t need more suffering – we need more empathy and compassion.
We love not because of how other people are or act, we love because of who we are.
One last thing, if you are stuck in your victim mindset, you will not be able to recover your children. You must resolve your suffering with compassion for self. It is from this transformational place of healing that you will attract your beloved children back to you.
We must all rise together and not allow each other to suffer with self-pity and blame. When you see someone suffering, don’t sympathize, this is very lower self this holds people stuck. Empathize, this encourages people to rise up, take responsibility and make a change.
I know the “system” is broken, and you are going to have to rise up out of the system and take your power back. It is the belief that keeps getting projected into the world that perpetuates it as truth.
When you change your thoughts, you change your feelings which changes your actions. From a new thought comes a new perspective comes a new action.
This is how it works. This is how it works for EVERYONE. This is how some people reunite and some don’t.
When our clients come to us they are suffering and when they listen and start implementing new thoughts and actions reunification happens.
The moment we go down the mindset path of victim, the system is broken, my ex is alienating, lawyers and judges are unfair, mental health professionals are incompetent and on and on we are telling the universe this is the truth for us and then the universe dishes up more of what you believe you deserve. This is how it works. I have seen it time and time again. The shift in the mindset and the shift in doing the inner work is what makes difference.
We chose to have children mostly from our lower self consciousness and it is now time to rise up and be the Higher Purpose Parents we are being called forward to be.
Authentically targeted parents are the chosen parents, they are the parents with the internal strength and gifts to shift all of humanity. They have forgotten and they are awakening now.
Thank you Dorcy, for healing and correcting the dark energy of suffering and victimization. We start by understanding and organizing our deeper intentions, finding our love, finding our power, healing ourselves. Then, from this more steady place of light and love, we recover the children who are lost.
Craig Childress, Psy.D.
Clinical Psychologist, PSY 18857